I thought of You
by HPFreakswillrule
Summary: Sanzo still walks with Goku, even though he's been gone for a year...


Summary: **Sanzo still walks with Goku, even though he's been gone for a year.**  
Disclaimer: Goku, Sanzo and all their bits don't belong not to me.  
Warnings: (it has one bad word, implied character death, sad sniff)  
A/N: The bunny of random sadness bit me on my walk home yesterday. This Fic is the result. I think this is the first time I've ever cried while writing.

_I thought of You_

_I thought about him tonight._

I walked to the temple, just for some walking, and it struck me as odd that it is so unseasonably warm for mid May. The weather has improved since the winter, true, but this is almost an unnatural heat that feels more like mid August, the kind of air that presses in on my skin.

_It was like I could feel him there._

Do you know what I tell people when they ask how I'm doing? I put on a brave face, swallow the bile and tell them I'm never giving up. No body found- means no death, am I correct? They'll keep searching at my request and expense, but I know somewhere in my heart that if you were alive, you would have already found your way back home. A year is too long.

_Goku never kept me waiting._

Anyway, I was telling you about the streets. I was walking, feeling the air touch my skin, and it reminded me of how you loved being held. I'd complain that I was dying of heat, and you'd just press in closer. I never pushed you off because I loved it too.

_I never told him that._

People fill the streets, even in the late hour that I'm there, and I like how it feels to be surrounded and invisible at the same time. Do you know that if you walk, keeping your eyes on the pavement just slightly ahead and in front of you, people will pass, stores will blur, and there is complete solitude? It feels like last summer. We felt invisible then too. Do you remember? We didn't notice anything much, except each other.

Everything reminded me of you tonight, and my heart aches again.  
I really want to be selfish. I want to demand that someone give you back to me, but I wouldn't know where to start.

_I can't give up, and won't move on._

Then there was the smell of cake that hit like the towels you used to snap me with in the bathroom. Your favorite bakery was open late, making some type of ornate wedding cake. I just stood there at the window, watching until it was completed.

_I don't know why. _

Remember those little chocolate shells topped with strawberries and glaze? After you disappeared, they stopped making them. The owner pulled me aside one day and said they had done it to show their sympathies. I think it's quite strange that their idea of honoring you, was taking away the one thing you loved best about going there. I suppose people grieve in their own way.

_God, our bed is so empty._

I thought about downsizing so I wouldn't notice the side I never sleep on, but a single bed seems too pathetic. Besides, I wouldn't be able to sleep on a bed we never shared.

I really don't know what I want anymore. There's a strange comfort in walking around with your memory as my sole companion. As long as I keep my eyes to the pavement, I can even imagine that you're walking beside me.

_He'squiet, that's all.  
_  
I really hope death is the new world everyone makes it out to be. To know that you're somewhere waiting or watching, or can still feel how much I need you, would keep other dark thoughts out of my head. If I knew for certain that I could join you at any moment, one slip of a blade, one step in front of a train, would I? I wish I knew what way to die was the right one, because I would follow it, without question, if it meant a faster path back to you. I know I'm grasping at straws, but there's really not much else I want to do with my time.

I see a few kids lined up for a club. I don't know if I could give them a run for their money anymore. No, scratch that. You always said, that to you, there was no one more beautiful. I'll keep that fallacy, even if I'm the only one that pretends to believe it, because it reminds me of you.

You were liquid on the dance floor. I never would have thought it, but we just needed to find you the right type of music, and the right partner.

I know this is damaging me.

_Do I care? _

I'm told therapy would aid in my recovery, but that would be the same as asking for help, even though I'd be the one getting the bill. It would be showing weakness.

To tell you the truth, I already know I'm an addict.  
I want you and the craving doesn't lessen with time. All I have is a collection of memories, and they're never enough.

Do you know some bloke in that cafe next to the place we used to buy ice cream, asked me out for coffee? I acted like a school girl, turned pink and left. Well, he shouldn't have asked me so suddenly.

Maybe I should rethink therapy, since I'm sure there's far too much going on in my head than I know how to deal with.

_I miss him. Everything inside seizes up and I can't breath. _

Fuck. One year! One year, and it still hurts the same.

I want to hearhis voice, even ifhe only says one word.

Say my name again. No one says it like you.

God, I hurt.

There's so many more things I wanted to share with you. So many times I turn around to tell you something that I know only you and I would find amusing, and when you're not there, my heart breaks all over again. Tonight I could feel you in the air, and it only made the pain that much worse.

I don't even know why I'm going on like this. I suppose I just wanted you to know that I thought of you tonight.

But then again, I only ever think of you.


End file.
